Maintaining a good relationship takes a lot of work and since it’s difficult to have a relationship alone that means it takes the two of you to work together. A relationship means having an association, a connection and a rapport. If you have an association with your spouse and to make it desirable you must make a good connection and develop a rapport.
Most relationships start off strong, filled with love and devotion. Sometimes slowly and other times quickly, the love, passion and devotion dwindle and you’re left puzzled and dazed. You rationalize that you did nothing wrong and fail to take any of the responsibility. On the other hand, you may blame yourself completely and view the situation as hopeless. You feel there are too many problems to solve, too much hurt to heal, so you just give up.
At this point where you both seem to be growing apart is where you both may feel alone and vulnerable to opportunities of infidelity. The situation could even lead one of you into an ongoing affair.
This kind of situation can make you feel your relationship is hopeless and that your marriage has failed. However, it’s never too late to save a relationship if both spouses are willing to work together to save it. You’ll both want to work together to rebuild your relationship if your love is real. False love will crumble at the first sign of trouble. True love is willing to struggle through any problem for the loved one. Which best describes your relationship?
If you decide that your love is real and your marriage is worth saving, determine what you expect from each other, where the relationship has been and where it’s heading. Has your situation so far been meaningful with plans for a permanent future or do you live from day to day and pretend you are still dating?
You have to recognize your existing problems and get them in the open. Usually, you both are to blame for not fulfilling each other’s needs. You might discover you never knew what those needs were because you failed to communicate. Sharing is bonding. In order to share you must communicate and learn about each other’s feelings and needs. Both of you may be hurting and the other is not aware of it.
Neither one of you may be to blame. This is why mutual communication and sharing are so important in a relationship. As you disclose your feelings be rational, reasonable and calm. No one wins an argument or discussion by getting angry. Temper tantrums now will do you both much more harm.
At this point you are dealing with very sensitive feelings and both of you will have your emotions on edge. You need to be sensitive to each other’s feelings to make progress toward healing your relationship. In many cases couples need an experienced counselor to get through the rough spots and find agreeable solutions. If you can’t agree to visit a counselor, at least find a good guide written by an expert to give you a blueprint on how to resolve your worst problems.
You are two different people with your own views and perspectives. Likely there is no right or wrong here, just differences. Being different doesn’t mean you’re incompatible. Your differences could be what brought you together in the first place.
Talk about what’s right in your marriage in addition to what’s wrong. Don’t harbor resentment or guilt over emotional baggage of the past. If your spouse has done something you think you can’t forgive, just be aware someone else will take right up where you let the good thing go.
Try to forgive and forget. Go slowly and agree to give it time. Some time alone to yourself may be in order. Your relationship can be saved unless you give up on it. It’s not going to be easy but hopefully your marriage is worth the effort.
Best wishes,
Charles Moore
PS. In a few weeks the Spring flowers will be in bloom. I hope by that time you will have been able to improve your relationship to the point that you will able to enjoy them. You may find the free guide linked below able to help you.
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